Here's everything I meant to say...

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 07:40:07 GMT

and I try to find those boys, the ones who are nothing
like you, because then maybe they'd treat me differently.
I thought I would get a clean getaway once and for all,
but I never knew that love came with a contract. If I knew
that from the start, maybe I would have read the fine print
before you scratched it into my heart:
she will never get the boy.

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 07:38:01 GMT

so I've been up late thinking, as usual.

I need to get my wrist tattoo outlined again due to fading, and I've been trying to figure out what to get on my right wrist. I don't want another word because it won't really work with the other word on my left wrist.

I finally came up with an idea..it may not be my final decision at all, but since I want some type of symbol, I was thinking of getting the outline of the the state of CT as shown on a map.

I don't know, I don't think I will end up in school in CT, and it's nice to always have a reminder of home..where the heart is?

As I'm typing this, it sounds more and more like a bad idea. maybe I just talked myself out of it.

Anyways, what do you think?

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 22:07:16 GMT

It's the first day of 2008. I decided I don't want to forget what I did this year, so I'm going to make an effort to update whenever I can.

This past year I wasted my time on so many people. I got so caught up in what I thought would make me happy that I actually drove myself further away from what I truly wanted. I feel like I realized who should really matter to me, and that has made all the difference.

I don't want to spend another year crying alone on my bathroom floor..as depressing as that sounds. I feel like 2007 was one of my hardest years because I made a lot of decisions that will probably change me forever.

in 2007, I..
-turned 17
-got my first tattoo!
-got my license.
-got my first car.
-dated someone younger than me.
-applied to college.
-FINALLY kissed the boy I've loved for years.
-FINALLY realized he's not worth it.

I'm sure there's more I'll remember later.

2008 will be the most important year of my life. I'll be graduating high school, moving, and going to college.

I'm just glad I have good people in my life..some new, some old but I love them all the same.

I'm ready for whatever this year brings.

happy new year <3

p.s. movie of the year=JUNO<3333

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 06:12:49 GMT

remember that night I was crying and you came to get me in the stop and shop parking lot? you asked me why I was crying and I refused to tell you. well, I was crying for you. a part of me always will.

one month and it'll be their one year anniversary. while the ball is dropping, I'll be drunk and lonely and he'll be kissing away an entire year that he loved someone else.

another year of chasing ghosts, almost over.

"I've had a bad day for years."

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 02:11:30 GMT

livejournal is no fun when you only use it to rant.

so..

today I worked a lot, as usual. I have two jobs and work everyday but sunday. I guess I should feel overwhelmed being with kids all day, but in a way it kind of relaxes me. I like being part of another family, and getting away from my corrupt household. I feel like being with kids prepares me for the life I want. I've really grown up this summer. In many ways it's great, but it also has its negative points. I can't keep track of my bank account or figure out why I keep getting charged misc. fees. most of my worries shouldn't be the worries of a 16 year old girl. maybe I should change that. or maybe I should accept my life as it is. nonetheless, i'm really trying to be happy and get every aspect of my life in order. wish me luck.

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 01:20:10 GMT

sometimes I feel like its easier to be sad. I don't really know how to explain it, but I feel safer when I'm sad..almost comforted in a way. Being happy takes so much out of me because I know something wrong is bound to happen soon. I feel like I'm always waiting for something. I guess all you do in life is wait. I'm waiting to comfortably be happy. I'm waiting for something good to happen without the premonition of something bad soon to follow.

Wed, 30 May 2007 00:06:49 GMT

I have so much anger inside. I'm sick of being let down. I want to eliminate all the people in my life that SUCK. I can count my friends, but I can't count on them.

I'm done with trying to show you I care, you should know by now.

I'm done with pretending to be nice just to avoid a disagreement.

I'm done with wasting my time on people I am way better than.

and I am most certainly done with being misunderstood.

this is a big FUCK YOU to everyone who insists on letting me down and hurting me.

GAME OVER.

Sun, 27 May 2007 16:58:43 GMT

There have been so many times I wanted to tell you I love you, but I've just been so afraid. I don't want to lose you or the friendship we have. I try so hard to keep you in my life, but I never know if that's where you want to be. I've trapped you in my heart, and I don't want to let you out. I don't want to ever let go of you, and I probably never will. You are the boy that owns a piece of my heart. You are the only boy I would ever want to give my innocence to. You are the only boy that can make me cry just with those sad eyes. You touch a part of me that seems so out of reach to everyone else. How did you find that part of me? When we said that we would always have a part of each other's hearts, I wasn't lying. The other night when our hands touched, I felt safe. When it's just you and me I feel like I'm where I belong. Sometimes when we're with other people, it seems like I have to fight for your attention, but when it's just us, you see me without even looking. I know you already have someone else in your heart, but does she have the piece you said will always belong to me? I need to know that I still own that.

I love you more than anything & I mean that, god I mean that.

Sat, 12 May 2007 21:28:17 GMT

sooooooooo....

I LOVE HIM

I have for so many years, and it hurts.

what do you do when the person who is in your heart has someone else in their's?

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 03:07:37 GMT

so I noticed I only use livejournal to rant when I'm extremely miserable and have no one to turn to. now is one of those moments. so during spring break I get a sinus infection and have to stay in bed all week. during that week, I made a million realizations about everything in my life. I feel like I gained the ability to see right through people, and quite frankly, it disgusts me. I realized that most of the people in my life can't be trusted. I lost hope in a lot of my friends, and now I honestly feel like I have not a single friend to turn to. I'm afraid to show my weaknesses because who knows who'll use them against me.

as of right now, I am alone in this world. I haven't met the right people yet, and my trust is in no one.

I need to breathe on my own.

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 06:58:04 GMT

Remember when I was your image of a perfect girl?
Brown eyes that burned innocence and truth into your tainted heart,
Long hair that fell into your face when you kissed me.
I prided myself on the fact that I was your dream girl.
But then I saw her, completely different from me.
And somehow, she was your dream too.
So then I chopped off all my hair,
grew bangs that covered the eyes that you liked so much.
And I met a bunch of boys that are the exact opposite of you.
Remember the first time you said you loved me?
It was the first time anyone had ever said that to me.
Remember the first time I said it back?
I couldn't believe it, real love, it was amazing.
But then you also said you loved her.
And then I quit saying those three words to you.
Instead, I say them to other boys, the ones who are nothing like you.
And they say it back to me. And for that tiny second, I try to think they really mean it.
Remember our first kiss?
How your hand rested on the back of my neck.
And I took a breath just before you engulfed my vision.
And how we saw sparks even though our eyes were closed.
But then your lips met hers and you two saw sparks too.
So now my lips meet another boys, to show you that I don't need your kisses anymore.
Remember when you told me how sad she used to make you?
And I was your shoulder to cry on.
I even took care of you when you were drunk and told you never to do it again.
And how you made me promise that I would never follow your path and throw my life away.
And I remember how you told me you gave that stuff up and I was so happy.
Well now I know the pain you felt when she broke your heart.
Because you've broken mine.
And I'm sick of reality.
And I'm sick of your lies.
So tonight I'm going to drown my sorrows in the bottom of this bottle.
Because the truth is, it does help you forget your problems.
Because I know when I wake up in the morning and there's another boy in my bed, I'll forget you.
And when I find out that he's with another girl, I still won't remember you.
And the only thing on my mind will be how he hurt me this time.

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 18:51:33 GMT

so I haven't updated in a while, and my last update was kinda negative. I just wanted to say that I'm having a good day, and things are looking up. I don't know how, but they are and I can't complain. Last year was better for me right about now, but only in ways when it comes to my friends. I miss them a lotand spending time with them, but I'm working on it. Tomorrow is Halloween, hopefully its a good one. I'm sure it will be. I'm really trying with this whole being optimisitc thing. Wish me luck.

<3

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 17:19:42 GMT

so last night I just couldn't function. Everything was running through my mind so fast, it was impossible for me to sit down and relax, let alone do homework. I just wanted to get in a car, listen to music and drive but of course I couldn't. My dad asked me what was wrong and I didn't even know how to begin. I just went into my room and cried the hardest I have in a while. Crying helped a litte, and the fact that Lucas won on Rockstar Supernova. So I finally decided to take the day off and get all of my work done. I pretty much just need to do my paper which I will do a little later. I have a really bad headache and I'm just very uneasy. I hope tomorrow being Friday and the fact that we have a 3 day weekend will help a little bit..we'll see how things work out.

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 06:35:32 GMT

So my first semi week of school wasn't so bad and my schedule is really good. I don't have a last period class, and my second to last one is only for half of the year. The only downfall is my English class..there's a lotttt of work. Even though I know I might be struggling a bit, I still really want a job. Most likely, I'll be working at the flowershop so thats exciting :)

Friday night- Went to the East Haven Fall Fest. There was a bunch of unnecessary drama with fran and some girls, but everything is good now. She was crying alot, and then all of a sudden I was to for reasons I don't really want to discuss. Nonetheless, the night was eventful so its all good.

Saturday- Woke up late & went out with Sara to Elise's Rollerskating partyy :) We got lost because I freaked that there was a bug on me and made Sara miss thr exit lol. Some random Indian guy tried to help, but it just turned into a very awkward moment lol. Anyway, Elise's party was a lot of fun :]

Sunday (tomorrow) I'll probably stay in and do my homework and prepare for my first full week of school..yikes.

p.s. I found out in Civics class that english is not the official language of America..its all the damn immigrants faults! lol

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 03:49:24 GMT

This weekend was a really good way to end the summer.

Friday- mall to see ashley/paul's going away party.
Saturday- woke up with sara & noelle/stayed home all day in my jammies.
Sunday- woke up late, hung out noelle sara & jocelyn/MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.
Monday- went to Ashley's family/birthday party with my loves.
Today- MY BIRTHAY :0 & went shopping with my mommie <3.

My party was awesome, a lot of my friends came..some high hahah. Rappers showed up because they thought it was open mic night but I let them rap anyways..it was random. I had a giraffe on my ice cream cake, a dj with fun music, and the best friends a girl could ask for <33.

Tomorrow I start school. I have no idea what I'm going to wear, but oh well its a block day. I get out early since I don't have a 10th period class..yayyy.

update laterr :)

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 07:51:54 GMT

this is it. i am stuck in the dead center of emptiness and I cannot make up my mind anymore. for the life of me, i cannot remember what ever made me think i could get through life the way i have been. things are just so ridiculously wrong. if i were to list the countless things, they would simply sound as if they were on a laundry list of things to do for the day, as opposed to the pains i have so unfortunately become accustom to. i just don't feel like me..i feel as if i am peeking at someone else's life. it just seems that i forever have to put a show on because if i didn't, no one would look twice at me. its almost like maybe if i actually gave up trying, my friends would slowly fizzle out. i don't even know how many true friends i really have. it just seems as if some people talk to me because i am there, but if i wasn't, my absence would not make much of a difference as my presence. because i feel that way, i always assume that if i don't say or do things that will make some kind of impact, i will not be remembered or looked at in a positive light. i fear that sometimes my presence is just simply not enough. i am ashamed that this is what it all comes down to as far as my self esteem is concerned. i don't know what it is, but something is just not right and i feel so unbalanced. i guess this is all a part of growing up and finding out who you are. and i guess if lonesome is my only lover, then i should get used to being on my own, but its just so hard when all i want is for someone to reach into the pit of the past and pull me out before the presence is just as useless as this tampered heart of mine.

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 20:19:38 GMT

I'm at Noelle's with Jocey! I haven't updated since i came back from England. Lately everything has been going pretty well since I've gotten back. I just sleep late and hang out with friends. I've spent the last 3 days with Jocelyn and Noelle..we've been having a lot of funnnn. yepppp, that's all for now..just chilllin :)

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 18:18:54 GMT

So England has been amazing. I've been here for about 3 weeks now. Sunday I go home which is pretty exciting because I miss my space, my bed, my hair straightener, and my friends! I can't wait to see everyone..it's gonna be super exciting. Last night I had a water balloon fight on my floor, and now my room here smells like burnt leather..lovely haha. I just came back from London..did some shopping and hung out. It's supposed to rain tomorrow so I'm kinda happy..when it rains in England its soooooooo great.

Yup, anyways..dinner is soon, then I'm going into town for a little bit. Tomorrow I'm just gonna spend the rest of my money on clothes and hang out with all my friends for the last day! :(

Updates when I come home.

<333

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 14:19:29 GMT

ENGLAND TODAY

miss me? =)

love you all

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 00:11:48 GMT

These past 24 hours have been the most random, crazy ones of my life. Last night Nick took Liz and I out to eat at Chili's, then we drove around & went back to my house for a little. We ended up getting Joe and just drove around random places for a while. I love driving aimlessy late at night with my friends with music blasting. After a while, we came back to my house. Around 3 in the morning, Nick was kind of asleep, and Liz Joe and I were wide awake. So the three of us randomly decided to walk all the way down to a store about 10 blocks away at 4 in the morning. It was so nice out, there were no cars and we just walked in the middle of the street for most of the time until Nick woke up & picked us up. We went to the store and there was one guy in there blasting spanish music. I swear I felt like I was in a movie..we were all dead tired at the ass crack of dawn standing in the middle of a gas station with spanish music..probably one of the strangest moments. We ended up not getting anything & decided we wanted to see the sunrise, so we drove up east rock but didn't have a good enough view, so we drove back down again. Finally we just went back to my house and just talked and laughed. I took a random ass five minute shower in the dark that felt like it lasted forever lmao. Everyone passed out by maybe 7 besides me. It started pouring rain out so I sat on the porch and watched it. Doing that made me so happy you have no idea. I couldn't help myself so I went for a walk in the rain & just listened to some soft music. You know when you're in a situation and a song comes on that is just PERFECT for the moment? Well, that happened to me early this morning, but I'd rather not type it because I'll get sad. Anyways the overall night/morning was really great..I was waiting for one fo these nights for a while.

Now I'm really sick and kinda tired since we didn't sleep at all.

I wrote this a little while ago..just another cliche' feeling.

Well we've reached the point of no return,
your actions spoke louder than those unwilling words.
I've been trying to fight this hold you have on me;
while I carry you in my heart, you only carry apathy.
You have left an umistakable mark on this excuse for a romancer
..this excuse for a person.

2 more days until England.

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 06:23:03 GMT

5 more days 'til I leave for England!

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 04:41:09 GMT

Today was another great one. I went to the beach again and took Liz along with me. I'm a little tan so I'm pretty happy. After the beach I came home, showered and went over Liz's. We ordered Domino's with Magosia and just chilled in the AC watching The Little Rascals lol. After sittin in a room with no open windows and the smell of strong perfume and nail polish remover, Liz & I got really light headed and hyper. We just had a fun time hanging around and laughing. The night wasn't very eventful because we stayed in for most of it but it was a good time. We went for a little walk with Alan and then called it a night since it was so hot out. I put my AC in my room & now I'm just enjoying the comfort.

I have another great day/night planned for tomorrow with my Jocey, the birthday girl! I think these next 11 days before England will be amazing and that makes me really happy because I love my friends more than anything <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOCEY, I LOVE YOU

good night cuties, sleep tight♥

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 04:19:24 GMT

so tonight was amazing to say the least. Jocey came over & we went to Lea's and then from there we drove to Walnut Beach in Milford for the bonfire fest. The beach was gorgeous so Jocey Lea & I just threw rocks in the water & played around. When it got a little darker out, We met up with Julie collins and Lauren :) A lot more people showed up afterwards so the bonfire got started and finally a few bands played. It was just a great night.. I was with the right people at the right place, with just the right music. Sitting on the lifeguard chair with Jocey & Julie was fun times, especially making s'mores on the bonfire! The sunset was beautiful, my friends are beautiful, hell life is even beautiful right now. I felt infinite & that is all I could ask for.

love you all <3.

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 20:26:26 GMT

hello :)

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 19:31:42 GMT

I'm sorry if I ruined your night, and our tradition of always being together. I never intended on being the sensitive one. I just wish you could see that there is so much more to me. I'm not always the joke, but if I ever actually told you that you'd probably take it as one. All along all I've wanted was to be able to have a group of friends that did the things I've always wanted to do, and felt the things I've always wanted to feel. I'm sorry if I put too much hope and thought into our friendship, its just I feel as if I cared more about it than anyone else. Because for me, thats always how the story goes. I care too much, and you don't care enough. I know we're young and maybe you're not grown enough to understand me, or maybe you just choose not to. Believe it or not, it doesn't take much to make me happy, but for some reason when we're together I feel completely numb. I wish I had the reasons why, but sometimes things are better left unsaid. I just wish I left some things unsaid. Which then leads me to being sorry for always having to speak my mind with no pre-thought idea of what I'm about to say. I'm sorry if I offended your presence. Friendship is something that should bring out the best in a person, but I feel as if I am always on the edge of my seat when we are together. And again, the reasons are unknown. I just wish we could all be in the same moment, where no one seems as if they're in other worlds. I wish we could feel infinite when we're together, as if nothing could stop us. I wish it was easier for you to open up, but now I realize maybe thats just your character at the moment. I wish I was strong enough to be myself and not take everything so personal. I'm sorry that my wounds are so deep.

I truly am sorry.